A solo show, no hype man.
my new column is about personal stories, things that have happened to me in my life that I would like to try to remember better by writing them down. This column is by far my most self indulgent, so excuse me that.
In the early 90's things were different. The internet was an esoteric thing that a few techies used to communicate with each other via "bbs" systems, proto-chatrooms for the select few. CD burners were unheard of and people listened to tapes with no hint of anachronistic sentimentalism. Kids in those days still handed in their school assignments handwritten and listened to the radio to hear about new music. Cell phones may have existed in some form, but we certainly had never seen one.
I was 14 in 93, and it was my miracle year.
The west coast had birthed some of the most original rap music I had ever heard. Groups like the pharcyde, souls of mischief, hieroglyphics and others were making hip hop like nothing I'd ever heard, soon to be followed by the megaton bomb that was the wu-tang clan reestablishing new york city as the coolest place we had never been. Fugazi put out "in on the kill taker", and played all ages shows at the university, and like in so many towns, they had helped to create a thriving punk scene. Nirvana was the new Beatles and everyone I had nothing in common with was wearing their t-shirts. I lived in a town of about 80 000 people called Guelph Ontario, and I had just learned that life was something worth paying attention to.
As I spoke about in my "small is beautiful" post, I had met a group of kids through the magic of radical politics who had become my first real adult(ish) friends. My best friend at the time, who I will call N, was a writer and a musician and a tremendous advocate of drug use and I jumped on board. My father had played the drums when I was a kid and one day while helping him clean out a storage space I happened upon his old set. I talked my mother into letting me set them up in the basement and spent every available moment teaching myself how to make them work. We started maybe 60 bands the first day I got those drums, every possible combination out of all the people I knew had a band of their own. Mostly we just liked coming up with band names since very few of these groups ever got to the practicing stage. Gradually, we filtered down to a few combinations who actually played together and real bands were formed.
The photo above is from the coming out show of my generation. While there was a thriving underground music community in Guelph, none of us younger kids had the guts to ask to be put on a bill. I spent every weekend, and many weekdays watching bands play in community centers, rooms at the university and people's houses but it was almost a year before we felt up to playing in front of people. The show in question is one that we organized ourselves. A friend's father owned a yoga studio downtown and let us use the space. We invited maybe 6 bands to play, and asked people to donate money. I know that everyday in the world there are maybe 1000 shows like this, but this was the big one for me, the first time I ever played music in front of people. My current main project at the time, Third Eye Chakra, was the "headliner" for the night. There may have been 70 people there at most, but I don't think any show I've played since has quite captured the excitement for me. It was our first show, but we had released a little self made cassette which we'd given to all our friends, so people knew the songs and were very excited to see us play. Sad as it is, this was probably the first time in my life that I felt special. The feeling was quite addictive and it took me years of trying to realize that although I loved music, I was driven to play by the need to feel special, to feel like I did when we finished our set and everyone I knew was cheering. I think that's something that underlies a lot of people's motivations, and it's really not addressed or even thought about. What makes someone seek out a stage? I have met hundreds of people in the music world and it seems like at every level there is a deep need for approval, to be repeatedly affirmed of their specialness. This isn't to denigrate anyone, I respect people that have the dedication to be touring musicians. It can be a very hard life and if you don't have something driving you it's pretty much impossible. It's still odd.
Whithin my larger social group I formed an extremely tightly knit group with 3 other friends. We spent every day together, often all sleeping at the same house, wherever that was. We were basically inseparable. It was with these kids that I began my long, systematic study of the effects of lsd use. My first real attempts at writing were in zines we published ourselves. And my introduction to philosophy came through our discussions.
Once, we decided to spend a weekend in an abandoned building. There was an old house that had been empty for months, and we thought it would make a great weekend if we stayed in it. It was the middle of winter, and the roof was torn off the house, so we had to sleep in the basement. To make it interesting, we decided to take a vow of silence for the weekend as well. We had something of a party the first night, or as much of a party as a small unfinished basement with no heat could support. I took lsd, as I tended to do in those days, and somehow managed not to freak out. After everyone left we went to sleep, the silence would begin in the morning.
I woke up first, and went up to the roof, which was to say the second floor. I did what I understood meditation to be for maybe an hour sitting at the top of the stairs with snow all over what once was a hallway with two destroyed rooms flanking me on either side. Eventually the others woke up. We spent the first little while clumsily avoiding speaking to each other with overwrought hand gestures. Eventually we kind of split up and hit the town, walking around in the quietest, snowiest parts not speaking. We had also decided to fast for the weekend, and my stomach began to hurt intensely from hunger and drug use. I realized that morning sitting alone on the stairs that I was going to have to occupy my thoughts for a long time with something and decided on the subject of “being okay with myself and who I was”. Truth be told, like many weirdo 14 year olds, I wasn't that cool with myself. So many years of social rejection had taken their toll. Now it was time to deal with all of that. I spent hour after hour trying to figure out what I needed to change to be completely cool with myself and independent of other people.
I went back to my spot on the stairs, and thought harder. I eventually managed to detach myself somewhat from my body. Which is not say that I had an out of body experience, but simply that I moved my focus inwards, away from what was going on in the world. Out of that experience I certainly became less dependent on what other people thought of me. I stopped paying much attention to the way I dressed, and developed a very cold, distant attitude towards people which I held onto for years afterwards.
These were two of my larger formative experiences. The development of the need for recognition, and the drive to perform seems not to jibe well with the detachment from the need for approval from others but if you look closer they are actually very similar. My need to not define myself by my social surroundings only fed my need to affirm my worth through the abstraction of applause. It drove me to work harder at music. I didn't lose friends with my cool detachment, if anything it seemed to make me more attractive to people, but there was a limit as to how close you could get, and i certainly wasn't going to let myself be defined by my friends. This led me to hop from social group to social group which I did for years and years. I would routinely switch out one set of friends and begin anew with an entirely new group. I never stayed in a romantic relationship for more than a couple months at most. The same went for bands, and even for music. I might listen to nothing but jazz for a while, then in a flash I would only listen to aleatoric composers or sufi devotional music or novelty performers from the 20's. I resisted forming an identity from external connections altogether.
This lasted years, as I said. My miracle year, 14 after my first big year (my birth) made me who I was for a long time to come, but almost 14 years after that I had the next big shift. At 27 something happened to me in the form of a new relationship which changed everything once again. I am still trying to wrap my head around those changes.
But we live in a different world. I can check my email on my phone. I can make an album and send it out around the world for free because mp3 has made CD burners almost obsolete. I have friends in other cities who I chat with on instant messenger (the new bbs) who I may have never met face to face. Today, 14 years after my 14th year I have overcome the world view that grew out of the early 90's. What happened in those days gave me an identity which gradually held sway as it developed and shifted for more than a decade. And only now, now that an esoteric invention which has always been about people sharing with one another has become so sophisticated and developed the blog, do I decide to sift through and make sense of the last 14 years.
Also, a new wu-tang album is coming out, coincidence?